Diary of a Vampire Stripper
by Cinsearae S
Self-Published March 2012
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Her best friend is a werewolf. Her boyfriend is a ghoul. And she really, REALLY can’t stand her vampire husband.
Trying to juggle college tuition and rent, young Audra Perez seeks a fast fix to her financial woes by auditioning as a stripper for the Hoochie Coochie Club. What she didn’t expect was to actually be chosen! Barely a few months into her new job, she becomes acquainted with a mysterious, distinguished gentleman by the name of Darren Von Eldon, and they secretly begin dating against club rules. Then one passionate night at his beach house changes Audra’s life forever.
Now as a newly-awakened vampire, this only adds to her day-to-day mundane burdens. Refusing to drain humans, she hunts birds for nourishment, and finagles a way to avoid going to classes during the day. But bigger problems loom ahead. Radical cops that know about her kind roam the night, seeking to destroy any and all ‘monsters’, and her best friend’s family has a bone to pick with Audra’s. Headless bodies are turning up on vamp and were turf, each side blaming the other for the murders. It’s up to Audra and her friend Lu to figure out who’s doing the killings, and their search leads them beneath the city streets to encounter an abomination neither one of them will ever forget.
And the relationship issues? Well, it’s not easy dealing with a boyfriend and a vampire husband, so let’s not even go there…
SYNOPSIS: Humorous but graphic tale of a stripper who’s turned into a vampire and how she deals with it while trying to prevent a war between vampires and lycans.
First I want to say that with the title Diary of a Vampire Stripper I had very low expectations going into this book but the title made me laugh so I had to read it. Low expectations were good thing. I expected a little camp, hoped to maybe get some smexy fun and possibly a different view of vampires. I got the camp, as the book was snarky goodness. Smexy fun? Not so much with a side of ewww thrown in. A different view of vampires? Sorta but not in a good way.
Audra is a struggling college student who’s stuck and doesn’t know what to do. To fit a huge cliché she decides to audition at a local strip club. The name of the club cracked me up. Hoochie Coochie Club? That’s frakkin great. Audra ends up getting the gig though she’s not a sexual person, completely uncomfortable in her own skin and very uncoordinated. Not exactly the type of girl you’d really see in a strip club but I’ll go with it. Audra’s snarky attitude about the club, the other girls and life in general are the only things that made me finish this book.
“Not only was she not wearing underwear, but she hadn’t shaved down there, either. She’d put Sasquatch to shame with that matted muff. Hello, ever heard of a razor? Nair? Electrolysis? Something?! Naturally, the guys whooped and hollered again. How guys could love a crotch-tarantula was beyond my comprehension.”
Audra meets an older guy while working and over the course of a couple of weeks gets to know him better. Soon they are in the back room making out and then they are a couple. He takes her away for the weekend, turns her into a vampire and then up and leaves. Audra doesn’t know what she is or why she has a sudden desire to eat the pigeons she smells outside. Yes, you read that right, pigeons. The girl eats pigeons. I’m not an expert on the amount of blood in a bird but it’s a frakkin bird. How much blood can there possibly be? Later in the book she goes into detail about hunting down the birds and squeezing them to get all the blood out. Ick, ick and more ick. First of all, birds are gross creatures and secondly, why the hell would anyone want to get up in trees and/or chase down pigeons when there are animals close by? This is clue number two that there is something seriously wrong with Audra.
The bird thing was my first serious issue with the book as birds totally skieve me out. My second issue came a little later. Audra is upset that she’s a vampire and that her sire is nowhere to be found, which is understandable. She’s still working at the strip club and meets Paul, a dorky guy who has a crush on her. Soon she’s making out with him in a back room and within days she’s going back to his place to bump uglies. Obviously, Audra isn’t very smart and quite the slut. Audra has sex with Paul who has both a flatulence problem and issues with his sweat glands. Because Audra is covered in Paul sweat she takes a shower only to be interrupted with him coming in the bathroom to take a dump. Seriously? I mean seriously?! I’m down with gross out humor but this wasn’t in the least bit funny and if that were to happen to me, I would have left his ass and never looked back. Instead, Audra dates the sweaty guy with digestive issues and this happens every time they get busy. No Metamucil for Paul; all he needs to do is bone his girlfriend. From there the book didn’t get any better.
Though she’s snarky and has great taste in music, I just couldn’t connect with Audra. She wasn’t a very good judge of character and add in the fact that she’s easily manipulated repeatedly, you get a lead character who wouldn’t know what a heroine was if it smacked her upside the head. The plot of Diary of a Vampire Stripper was weak, the secondary characters were even less entertaining than Audra and I struggled to read the book. I don’t like to give negative reviews so this is hard for me. That being said, honestly is the best policy and in all honesty, I suggest you not bother with this one unless you want to read about a sweaty boy who farts a lot and ends up getting ever grosser, a girl who hunts down and munches on pigeons and her best friend with the hairy crotch who will pee in someone’s beer if you ask her nicely.
So that I’m not full of negativity, I do have a couple of good things to say about this book. It was funny. There were moments that I laughed out loud and once I even scared the crap out of my dog. Problem is the amount of humor in comparison to the rest of the book just wasn’t enough to keep my interest. The second thing I liked, and you all are probably going to think I’m nuts (which I kinda am by the way) is the use of the word snatch. I personally feel that the words snatch and muff are seriously underused. There are only so many times I can read about my core, my special place, my secrets, my channel, my pussy and if you wanna get crude my *insert c word here* before I just want to scream. I wish more books used the word snatch and maybe occasionally, someone should throw in the word twat for good measure. *grins*
Diary of a Vampire Stripper was a struggle to read and I do not plan to read the next book in the series but because there are some redeemable qualities, I give it 2 stars.
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